Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
What drink are we having for lunch?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
