I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
