I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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