It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
