Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
this is an emotional support booty call
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
