so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
