New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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