I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
