Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
