I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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