she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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