Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
