Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
