my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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