I should be sponsored by Trojan
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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