Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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