and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
