im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
