I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Terrible idea I love it
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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