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so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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