Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Sext me about skeletons
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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