I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Randomize
