mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
