that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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