Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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