Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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