What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
