My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
