I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I wish there were birth control emojis
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
