smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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