I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
