u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
