she was so not down for the gang bang
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
