I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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