Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
