Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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