Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
