first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
