I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
