Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
