I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
