Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
We had to coat check the pizza.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
