If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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