I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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