it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
