I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
