I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Never underestimate the power of titties
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