Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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