She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
