your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
