If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
