I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
