Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I need a burrito and a hug.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
