I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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