I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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