well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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