i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
