I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
