where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
